Book Review: A Twist of Faith

A couple of months ago, I was given the opportunity to review books for an organization called The Speakeasy.  I have never reviewed a book and never thought I would until this opportunity presented itself and seemed like an exciting and welcome opportunity.  I received my first book in the mail about a month ago and got to reading right away.  The book was quite "meaty" and I'm more than a little anxious about publicizing my opinion of the book.  But, the time has come to step outside of my comfort zone so here goes!

[If you are interested, you can read chapter 1 of the book here, and you can see a promo video here.]

If I had to choose one word to describe A Twist of Faith, it would be this: thought-provoking.  I can't say that this book was amazing or mind-blowing, but I can say, without a doubt, that this book gave me information that I think I will literally be mulling over for years.  ATOF covers two "stories" that eventually become one.  First is the true story of a Christian man living in North Carolina who visits Africa on a mission trip and sets out to build an orphanage in Malawi.  It chronicles his hardships in working with the locals, raising and maintaining funds, building relationships in Malawi, and the changing of his expectations and goals.  The second part of the story provides facts, statistics, and opinions about the influx of Americans who have set out to change the lives of impoverished African people, specifically the children.  Sending money to Africa, adopting from their orphanages, and taking mission-type trips there has become increasingly popular, though the aid provided is sometimes harmful to the people.

What I really appreciated about this book is that it seems that the author, John Donnelly, proved himself to be a true journalist in that I never really knew his opinion of the North Carolinian man, David Nixon.  He dug down deep for information, then he plainly presented what he found.  Some of the information was nowhere near being pleasant, but it was reality.  I really appreciated that honesty more than I can say.  As a skeptic by nature, I am always trying to look past the rainbows and butterflies to try to see the truth.  Donnelly did this, and sometimes the truth was not easy to swallow.  He provided unbiased, eye-opening information and I am incredibly grateful for that.

What I did not like about the book is this: it seemed a little incomplete to me.  Maybe this was because Donnelly's opinion was never stated--maybe this is a testament to his objectivity and this was done so I could formulate my opinion of Nixon and other Americans with similar missions.  Whatever the case though, it just kind of left me feeling a little unimpressed and uncertain of what his goal was in writing this book.

However, I can confidently recommend this book to Christians and non-Christians alike.  Why?  Because it gives a picture of reality.  The hearts of Christian missionaries, celebrity donors, African government officials, and others are called into question in this book.  I like that no one in this situation is the "good guy".  I have a huge appreciation for Donnelly in that he chose to wrote this book and chose to do his homework well before doing so.  With that being said, let me know if you want to borrow my copy!

P.S. Want to know my opinion on the subject of aid, foreign missionaries, etc?  I love and agree with this poem by Lao Tzu that was included in the book:

Go to the people
Live with them
Learn from them
Love them
Start with what they know
Build with what they have.

We love, support, and are glad for the missionaries we know and possibly even hope to join some of them one day.  However, I believe strongly that there is a wrong and right way to minister to those of different cultures, and this poem expresses my feelings well.

P.P.S. Of course http://thespeakeasy.info/ did not pay me, bribe me, or anything like that to review this book!  They just gave me the book for free and asked me to provide a "candid review".  So, this is my opinion and not theirs!

Calling all Friends

I've been considering putting something on Facebook lately, but didn't want to be too open, so I figured I'd just turn to my blog to openly ask for prayers.  This coming Monday, July 2 was my due date- the day I thought I'd be delivering Joni and holding her in my arms.  A few weeks ago it really hit me that the due date was quickly approaching and I've been semi-panicking since then.  It's a day I'd rather not have to face, a day that I thought would be so wonderful now seems so....painful?  bittersweet?  wrong?  unfair?

Thankfully, Daniel has taken off work so our family of 3 will be spending the day together.  I don't know what we'll be doing yet but I am glad to know that we can be together as we remember and miss little Joni and all that we were looking forward to doing with her.

I'm asking you to please pray for my family.  Please pray that we would be comforted as we grieve and that we would draw close to the Lord, each other, and our families and friends as we grieve.  Pray that we'd know how to spend our time on the 2nd.  Also, please pray that we'd be able to take a deep breath after the 2nd and hopefully get some more closure from the passing of her due date.  I feel like my life has been put on hold for the past several months and I hope that I feel some relief from that with the passing of July 2.

Also, we are thrown into a busy long weekend after her due date and that is causing us some anxiety too.  Pray that our travels would go well and that, whether we're happy or sad, our time celebrating July 4th, a birthday, and our anniversary would go exceptionally well.  Also, as if facing my due date isn't enough, July 1 is the 5 month anniversary of when I found out Joni wasn't alive, and the 3rd is the anniversary of my surgery.  So it's like we have 3 hard days in a row, followed immediately by celebrations and travel.  Whoa.  That just seems like to much of a roller coaster of emotion for me to handle!  So we obviously need A LOT of prayer, love and support right now and I'm asking you to help me with that.  I am so grateful for our friends and family that have been there for Daniel and I over the past several months.  I keep worrying that people will just grow tired or impatient with me but that has not been the case and we are so thankful to be supported by such kind, thoughtful, sensitive family and friends.

Meditations on my Pregnancy

I recently realized that when I think of Joni, I most often think of the events that followed her death, as opposed to actually remembering my experience with her.  My time being pregnant with Joni was very different from what I know of her now.  I do so much processing of and thinking about her death and the dominos of my life that have come crashing down since then, that I rarely ever meditate on and remember my pregnancy. So, though I know my words will fall short, I'm going to attempt to recall my pregnancy with Joni:

Gladness.

Feeling of being "blessed".

Warmth.

Her heart beating at 160+ beats per minute and hearing that beautiful sound just once.

A little baby kick in my lower abdomen against my seat belt.

Itchy skin earlier than the time before.

Surprise!

Doubt.  Disbelief.

Feeling ill-equipped to care for a newborn in just months.

Anxiety.

Overprotection.

Looking down at my belly in the shower-- roundness, fullness, goodness.

Discomfort and uncertainty.

Why do I hurt like this?  What's wrong?

Talking to baby, but not enough.  Feeling detached.

"Felicity, the baby is growing in my belly and will be here this summer.  You will be such a good big sister!"

Hiding the bump...at least until a little bit longer.

I still can't clearly remember my belly, and that is really frustrating to me.  Maybe it's that I can't have it, and that is what is really frustrating.  What was my body like before?  What was it like during the pregnancy?  I don't know.  Nothing is familiar.

Inadequacy.

Discomfort: tugging, pulling, stretching.

Honor.

Privilege.

This is good.  This is right.  This feels natural.

Texas!

Since becoming a Mommy, I haven't been able to travel with Daniel on his 1-2 business trips he takes each year.  A little over a month ago he booked a trip for Arlington, TX  to do an Ultrasound CE and, as I was feeling the need for a vacation like never before, we decided this would be a good time for me to get away and pamper myself rest a bit.  My in-laws were more than happy to stay at our house for 4 nights and watch Felicity while we were away.  Thanks to them for being so flexible and willing to help!

We left last Wednesday night after we put Felicity to bed.  We made it to and through the airport quickly and were off in no time!

Heading to the airport! I am giddy and Daniel is sleepy (:

We had a wonderful flight and crew on our plane.  Daniel was even moved to the emergency exit seat to accommodate his long legs.  Thank you, Delta!

On Thursday morning, I drove Daniel to his CE in the rental car and then went back to the room and read almost all day.  Literally.  It was so wonderful!  I haven't just sat down and read for that long in years!  I picked Daniel up for lunch and we enjoyed some Mexican food before he went back to class.  I then explored a little bit and headed back to the room for more reading!

That night, we headed to downtown Fort Worth.  We did a little bit of walking and then found a great Italian restaurant and ate veggie pizza outside.  Yum!  We ended the night with a little more walking and some frozen yogurt.

On Friday morning, I once again dropped Daniel off at his class (can you tell who had the better end of the deal here?!).  I then drove to Dallas, which was about 20ish minutes away.  I met Daniel's Aunt Debbie at the JFK museum and we both so enjoyed being there.  We are both fascinated by history and specifically the Kennedy family, so this was pure bliss for us!  I seriously have not ever been so excited about going to a museum; I was quite giddy about it on Thursday night!  After the museum, Debbie very kindly took me out to lunch where I very much enjoyed talking to her, especially since the only time I've been around her was when we met at our wedding.  I can't even say how nice it was to have her to sightsee with.  I so enjoyed her company!  Unfortunately, we didn't get any pictures together ):

Grassy Knoll right next to where JFK was shot

The window that is on the far right and second from the top is the window where Oswald's gun was found with his fingerprints on it.  It's part of the JFK "6th Floor Museum" we were in.  Really creepy but really fascinating....

That afternoon I laid by the pool and did some more reading and then Skyped my Little Girl (yay!) before fetching Daniel from his CE.  We then drove to Dallas and met Daniel's Aunt Debbie and Uncle Jerry.  We loved eating some delicious food with them and walking around Dallas before enjoying some ice cream for dessert.  I really am so glad that I got to know them better and we hope to visit them sometime at their home!

Nighttime in Dallas

On Saturday morning, Daniel planned a fun trip to Fort Worth.  We ate at Lucille's Diner, which was absolutely amazing!  We then found me a pair of Tom's since I am always on the hunt for good shoes for my problematic feet and since taking time to shop for myself is hard to do in my usual routine.  We then headed to the Holocaust Museum in Dallas.  I am so glad that people use their time, money, and energy to make people aware of events such as the Holocaust and to promote standing up to evil.  To say that the museum was depressing would be an understatement, but we are both really glad that we went.  I've really heard or thought little about the Holocaust since college, so I was glad to be reminded of history and that people who stand up to wrongdoers do make a difference.   I highly recommend you visit the Holocaust Museum and the JFK 6th Floor Museum if in Dallas!

Brunch!  And wearing the same shirt as the night before.... whoops!

After the Holocaust Museum, we headed to the airport and had lots of downtime for eating dinner, shopping, people-watching and reading in the airport before our flight.  I love being in airports (:  Our flight back was just as smooth as the first one and Daniel once again got the exit seat!

I am so grateful that I was able to go on this trip with Daniel.  Traveling has been a love of mine for many years, and I really love that we got to explore Dallas and Fort Worth together!

And of course, I loved coming home to this bundle of joy!  This picture was actually taken right before our trip, but I just had to throw it in there!

Pigtails!

Where I am Now

For weeks I've been trying to decide what to blog about.  I've started several entries only to get about 2 sentences in and realize that I don't know what to write.  I don't know how to explain what I feel and with each entry I attempt, I find myself worrying that my words will come across the wrong way, that I will step on somebody's toes, that friends will get tired of my grieving, etc.  But last night I just decided I was going to write what I felt (within limits) and post it.  Though grieving is tiring and can make me feel like a "Debbie Downer", I still believe that my friends and family are genuinely interested in my thoughts, so here goes:

-I currently weigh 2.5 lbs. more than I did when our baby died, 7.5 lbs. more than when I got pregnant, and 12.5 lbs. more than this time last year.  As I'm sure you can imagine, this is incredibly frustrating.  Especially since I do some serious closet-purging 2-3 times a year so now I am left with mostly too-small clothes and a few I've bought to wear for now.  I have been yo-yo dieting like never before.  My motivation is lacking most of the time.  And, as Daniel said, "This is more than just losing weight.  It's going to be an emotional bit of weight to lose."  Meaning, this isn't just "I ate too much weight" but weight I put on for our baby (well the 5 pounds during the pregnancy).  Having to lose baby weight and having no baby to show for it is just....unfair and.... incredibly difficult.

-Losing Joni (she was a girl and that's her name....more on that later) wasn't just the death of our baby.  It has caused an identity crisis I never expected.  I kept telling Daniel that I just felt like all my direction and purpose had been taken away from me.  One day I was reading  Healing Together by Marcie Lister and Sandra Lovell, and my feelings finally made sense to me.  Here's what I read:

"While it's a very natural thing, pregnancy is still a crisis in a woman's life.  Your body changes in dramatic ways.  Your emotions change.  You adjust a lot.

When your pregnancy didn't end with a healthy baby, the crisis of your pregnancy moved into another crisis-- the crisis of loss.  You have a crisis of pregnancy, a crisis of death, and a crisis of self-image."

Ahhh.  I breathed a sigh of relief when I read that because I knew I wasn't alone.  Several books I've read on grieving the loss of your baby have stated that experiencing the death of your baby is also usually the death of your hopes, dreams, goals, and plans.  I couldn't agree more.  All that we were working towards has now been put into question, and we've been in this big long question for 2.5 months and who knows how much longer.  It is a sad, confusing, discouraging place to be.

-At times, I find it harder to cooperate with others or sacrifice things for others.  I almost feel entitled to get what I want.  Please know that I recognize this is not healthy and that I definitely to not want to stay this way.  I pray that I won't be bitter from my situation but instead that I will grow and love better as a result.  But for now, my heart has a long way to go.

On the other hand though, at times I am quick to give things up because I realize now more than ever that our time on earth is temporary and the earthly things don't matter at all.  I do hope that I keep this mindset and truly value what matters on earth.

-I get stressed easily.  Getting back into being involved in my neighborhood, church, and with friends has been a very slow process and I am definitely still not there yet.  I am okay with this for now.  On a positive note, grieving has helped me to reassess what matters to me (like I said above) and to pick and choose what's important from there.  I do appreciate that I've been able to take a step back from my life and reassess.

-I value friends and family more than ever.  I've always been slow to open up to others, but I have been forced to do so by being put in such a humbling position.  Grief is incredibly humbling.  I call on my Mom or one of my sisters about once every 1 to 2 weeks just to say that I need someone's help or someone's company.  They have not let me down yet.  I have friends who have offered their help and are ready and waiting for when I say I need it.  And for those of you who have offered help but I haven't accepted yet, please don't take it personally.  Like I said, I get easily overwhelmed and as a result I seem to need more "alone time" than usual.

-I recognize that I have a tendency to repress my feelings and I believe that it's led to some health problems in my life.  I'm praying for healing all around and that I'd know how to appropriately deal with my grief.   

I do hope that this wasn't too depressing.  Right now it's just reality for me and I can't change that.  But please know that my life has many many joys right now, like I mentioned here.  I actually have it really good.   I just went to Texas with my hubby (I might even blog about that!) and Felicity was safe and sound and happy when we returned.  Through my grief I've been able to re-discover interests that I hadn't taken time for lately like hiking, reading, museums (JFK and the Holocaust museum in Dallas!), going on walks, journaling, and just slowing down and appreciating my friends and family more.  I am definitely thankful for those opportunities and I do hope to that I carry them with me no matter what stages of life I face in the future.

And for those of you who read this much....thanks!

The Two Parallel Lines That Are My Life

Monday, March 12
11:18 a.m.

I haven't blogged in a while because I have this idea of what my next post should look like, but it just doesn't seem right to write it now.  Maybe I'm not ready...I don't know.  So, I keep wanting to write this particular post but not feeling it and having so many uncertainties about what to keep to myself and what to share with others, and so I just don't write it.  So, what do I write about?  Here's a mostly vague picture of what my life has been like lately:

The other day, someone told me that they'd heard life described as two parallel lines, instead of one line consisting of ups and downs, highs and lows.  One of the parallel lines has good things happening on it and the other has bad things happening.  The two lines keep going on simultaneously, no matter what.  I'm finding that to be true right now.  One of our lines consists of sad hearts longing for our baby, frustration toward God and others, huge hospital bills for a procedure we didn't want to need, etc.  The other line has heart-to-hearts with good friends, visits to the park with Felicity, new opportunities on the horizon, a reunion with high school friends, etc.

I like extremes.  I am an all-or-nothing kind of person.  Learning to be happy and sad at the same time is new territory for me.  It is an in-between area that I rarely willingly explore.  Expressing my feelings is pretty unfamiliar too.  Someone asked me how I was doing the other day.  She said it like she really wanted to know-  like she didn't want me to pretend to be okay.  I said that I was "okay", but then I started crying.  It felt good to cry.  It felt good to know that it was okay to cry.  The next morning, another friend sought me out just to give me a hug.  I cried then too.  I like being open about my feelings.  Why haven't I always been like this?

But I also wonder if, after a month or so, I will feel that it's not okay to be honest about my feelings.  As if people will expect me to have moved on.  I hope I do not feel that pressure to hide my heart and if I do, that I ignore the pressure and continue to express myself.  I think I am learning that that's okay with true friends.  People who care, really do care-  they really do want to know how I'm doing.  Isn't that a beautiful thing?  It's as if through tragedy, I'm learning what friends are for, being forced into closeness with them, and learning to accept love.  People truly love me, and that is just about the hardest concept for me to grasp, yet it is one of the most precious and wonderful things that I have ever experienced.

I can't deny that I need friends and that I need love.  I know that I can never repay all of my friends and family (whom I consider my friends) for the kind, thoughtful, loving things that they have done for me over the past 5 1/2 weeks.  I do hope that, going forward, I continue to accept love (and to do a better job at it!) and that I love my friends, neighbors, and even strangers as I have witnessed and experienced love lately.

Sad

Tuesday, February 28 10:12 a.m.


I am sad.



Saying so makes me uncomfortable, but it is the truth.

I like to look on the bright side.  To attempt to move on and look optimistically at the future. To think about taking a fun family trip this summer or getting in shape.  To think about buying cute non-maternity clothes once this extra weight is gone.  To think about things I couldn't do during pregnancy that I can do now.  I do have things to look forward to, but I am sad.  And it is okay to just be sad.

I like trying to explain my sadness.  To analyze it and to make sense of it.  To offer reasons.  But sometimes I can't, and that's okay.

I like boasting about my accomplishments and small victories.  Then my pride is inflated and I don't feel so bad when I think about others whose lives seem to be happily moving along right now, especially those whose lives involve babies.  But when the day is done, they have their babies and I don't have mine and I am sad, and I think that's okay.

I like finding temporary distractions.  I've bought 6 bottles of nail polish since my baby died.  I've eaten  lots of chocolate and ice cream.  I like watching movies so that I can pretend to be a part of a different world for a couple of hours.  I listen to my favorite songs from high school and college, because they remind me of a time when my cares were different.  But these things only get me so far, and then I am sad, and that's okay.

I am learning that it's okay to be sad.  And to be honest, I like allowing myself sadness.  Allowing myself to feel, without fixing the problem.  My body aches for the baby it once held, the baby that was a part of me... but I think that's okay right now.  Most of the time I try to turn from the sadness, but I know the distractions only offer temporary solutions and the sadness is still there.    To feel something so deeply in my heart... to just sit it in it, is uncomfortable right now.  But it's also freeing.  When I allow myself to freely feel, I allow myself to just be.  Then, I can heal.  I am allowed to be sad, and I don't have to hide it.  And I think that that, at least for now, is okay.

Caring for Felicity, Caring for Ourselves

Helping Felicity through the grief process has been one of my top priorities lately.  She was her usual self for a few days after finding out that her little sibling would no longer be coming into the world, but it was obvious that things were not right in her world after that.  Two year olds don't have an understanding of death, but I know that she knows that Mommy and Daddy are sad and that her schedule has changed over the past week or so.  We've worked hard on getting her normal schedule and routine (mostly) back, but she is still being incredibly fussy and clingy and I can't blame her for that; I am doing the exact same thing!  I've been looking up resources so that I can help her to cope, but haven't ordered any of the books I've looked at yet.  I was so glad to find an article on babycenter.com today that gave me some clear direction for helping our Little Girl.  I've put the link for the article below so that our family and close friends can read it and better understand the decisions we've been making for Felicity lately:

http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-talk-to-your-2-year-old-about-death_64608.bc

And, while it's easy to put our own feelings on the backburner, don't think that Daniel and I have put our needs aside.  Well, at least we're trying not to do that.  Tonight I think I am going to a support group that Northside Hospital offers for people who've lost a child in situations similar to ours.  I am afraid to commit (as I am with most things!), but have made plans to attend.  Though my parents offered to babysit, Daniel is going to stay home with Felicity so that they can have some much-needed quality time together.  With all of the fussiness we've experienced lately, it's been hard for them to have good time together.  Honestly, I don't like being away from them right now but I pray that our time apart tonight will be good for each of our hearts.

Because I know there are a lot of sweet friends and family members who are wondering how we're doing...

Monday, February 6, 2012

3:47 p.m.

I am alone for the first time today and I don't know what to do.  I have been with my husband Daniel since Wednesday at about 5:00 p.m., with the exception of my time in surgery on Friday and a couple of brief outings as a means of escape over the past several days.  I miss him in a way I've never experienced before.  Being apart doesn't feel right.    

Going to bed would probably be a good idea, considering that my body and heart are recovering and sleep hasn't come easily lately, but I don't want to be there without Daniel.  I don't think I want to be alone.  Being alone means thinking things that I don't feel comfortable thinking right now. I also don't want to rest where my baby used to rest with me, where'd I'd lay down and try to feel the baby move, where I'd wrap my maternity pillow around my body and make sure to lay on my side, where I'd drink my water to wash down my prenatal vitamin each night.  Being without my baby doesn't feel right either; in fact I don't know if I've ever felt something so unnatural in my life.  

Daniel went back to work today.  It was a difficult decision for us to make and I think when he comes home at the end of the day we will both be wondering if it was the right one...but nothing at all is right right now.  I don't think tomorrow or the next day or the next would have been the right day for him to return either.

Right now, faking a normal life seems wonderful at first thought.  We can "be us" and be "normal" and live like we used to.  "Maybe we can just pretend nothing ever happened, then we won't have to feel sad," says my mind.  But I know that, even if I fake normal now, that weeks or months down the road, it will hit me that our baby is not in my belly and that July 2 will most likely not be a joyful day and that I will not be 27+ weeks pregnant at Felicity's birthday party and that I will not have a 5 1/2 month old baby next Christmas.

Even when I am faking normal and trying to convince myself that I'm alright, I know that normal is impossible right now.  Doing dishes and laundry and baking muffins this morning felt good, but I knew I was only doing those things to avoid feeling sadness.  Productivity makes me feel important and successful.  It reminds me of what life was like up until I saw our still little one on the ultrasound.  But I'm finding that even in faking normal, the sadness still creeps up on me.  I used to make breakfast with my baby in mind.  I'd think, "What would be best for the baby?"  Or, "What will make me feel the least bit of nausea?" or, "Will I get enough calcium for the baby in the meal?" or, "I should not eat too much fat so I don't have to get my gallbladder removed before the baby's born."  Everything involved the baby, and then it just stopped without warning.  The baby was gone and that was that; nothing I could do.  And now I try to do normal, and it's just not the same.

No Words

Sunday February 5, 2012

9:49 p.m.

On Wednesday February 1, at 18 1/2 weeks (about halfway) into my pregnancy, I went to my Ob and my precious baby's heartbeat could not be found on the doppler.  My Ob did an ultrasound and was almost certain that our baby was no longer alive.  I then went to the Perinatal Specialists at Northside Hospital and they confirmed what my Ob had suspected.  I had a D & E (Dilation and Evacuation/Extraction) on Friday, February 3 at about 7:30 in the morning.  We miss our baby so so much.  There are truly no words to clearly express our feelings of pain, shock, confusion, longing, anger, and brokenness.

I feel more emotions than I care to express right now on my blog.  I do think that doing more blogging or journaling in the future might be therapeutic for me, but for now I am keeping most of my thoughts and feelings between my close friends and family and myself.  Please pray for our family as we grieve and begin the slow process of healing and discovering what the new normal is for our lives.

17 Week Picture!

I am really not good at this whole "creative blog title" thing.  Oh well!  Well I am now 17 weeks plus a few days.  I got Daniel to take some pictures on Sunday to keep up with our documentation.  Daniel and I had both agreed that my belly had kind of just "popped" last week and was looking much bigger.  I felt confident of this until I put on a button-up maternity shirt from my last pregnancy and was told by a few separate people that I didn't look pregnant.  I'm not complaining, I just find it interesting how I can feel so big but it can still be hidden from others.  I took pictures in different shirts for comparison's sake.

The button-up shirt

I originally started facing one direction in an effort to hide the most broken out side of my face (sorry TMI but acne-prone skin + pregnancy hormones = yikes!), but apparently I just abandoned that method and started switching directions!

Hey little baby!

Here's what I looked like at 17 weeks when LG was growing in my belly:

I had to work hard to get it to poke out like that!

That's all I've got for now!  Hope everyone's having a great Wednesday!

It's Picture Time!

During my first pregnancy, I started taking pictures of my (then non-existent) belly the day I found out I was pregnant.  I took a picture every other week throughout the whole pregnancy with few exceptions.  This time around, I kept saying that I would do just that but I'd always think to get a picture when I was walking around in sweatpants and no makeup, or when Daniel wasn't home, or when I was out, etc. etc.  So it took me until I was 15 weeks to actually get a snapshot of my belly.  And, just because I know I'll forget down the road, I need to make a note that this time around my belly totally started looking bigger 2 days after I found out I was pregnant.  Seriously!  It wasn't huge, and nobody but Daniel and I could tell, but it definitely started growing early on.  They aren't lying when they say that happens the second time around!

Hey little baby!

Posting this is probably a little redundant, but I think it looks much bigger close-up and with the flash on!

Me and baby!

As of my last weight check, I had only lost weight (1 lb.), but that is just what happened when little Felicity was in my belly.  I have found it interesting though how last time I felt so uncomfortable with my changing body.  It's like I looked forward to looking pregnant, but I felt early on like the rest of my body was getting chubby and bloated and I was quite self-conscious about it.  I don't know if it's that I'm smaller going into this pregnancy or that I've already experienced pregnancy before, but I feel SO comfortable with knowing that I'm growing and will soon be putting on weight.  I am embracing it and I love it!  And, just to clear up any confusion- you can indeed have a growing belly without putting on weight!  I need to and do wear maternity pants all the time now, and they fit well, but I still haven't gained weight.  Don't ask me how that happens, it just does.  I've had friends ask about that before, so I just say that to let you know that somehow it can happen.

Oh and as far as gaining weight goes, I got my weekly babycenter.com e-mail yesterday.  The e-mail contained a suggestion for 16-weekers to eat a milkshake every day if they are having trouble putting on weight!  I read it 3 times just to be sure I read it right, and then immediately e-mailed Daniel to tell him the good news!  We both found this so funny because every other reliable source we've read says that if you haven't gained weight, make sure to do it with lean protein, low-fat milk, etc.  Basically, they always say to keep eating healthy foods but just eat more of them!  I was pretty excited about the milkshake idea though I really probably won't give it a try simply because ice cream and milkshakes aren't on my list of cravings right now.  Either way, I thought that quite funny and consider it music to a pregnant woman's ears!

I'll throw in another picture just for fun.  Felicity and I made chocolate chip cookies for friends the other day!    This girl is such a sweet little helper and I love that she is at a good age to start helping me to cook and bake.

Stirring in some chocolate chips!

Oh and I can't resist- one more!  Felicity began going to Mother's Morning Out once a week last Tuesday.  She loved it!  I seriously enjoyed being able to clean the floors (while blasting music on Pandora!) and do a few other things without keeping her entertained or worrying about waking her up.  I missed her SO much though and could hardly wait to pick her up after lunch.  Daniel was off for lunch when it came time to get her, so we both went to get her.  I forgot to get a picture that morning, so she and Daddy posed once we all got home.

Sorry for the blur!

The sweet girl is now awake from her nap!  Time to give her a big hug and get busy playing!

Time for Part II!  Here are my other high points in 2011 (and they are really good!):

                               

5)  I got to take some trips alone!

When I put it that way, it sounds kind of lonesome, but I was with good people once I arrived (:  So, I did something that was a big deal for this new mama- I went to Denver!!!  Many many months before weaning Felicity, I booked plane tickets to visit one of my very best friends, Nicole, in Denver.  I knew that if I waited, I would keep putting it off (leaving your baby for the first time is hard to do!) so I just went ahead and did it!  This was also good motivation for me to wean Felicity.  I wanted to wean Felicity sometime around the time she turned 1, so I allowed myself 4 months after her birthday to give plenty of time for everyone to transition.  It worked out perfectly!  Plus, I planned the trip over Daniel's 4-day weekend, so they got some good bonding time in.

Visiting Nicole was the perfect first trip away from Felicity.  From the beginning, Nicole was so supportive.  She knew that being away from Felicity for the first time EVER might be difficult for me, so she made sure I was doing okay and made sure I got plenty of time for Skyping and talking with my family!  She especially went above and beyond in just putting up with me....and the big pink cast I had on my ankle.  I had to get the cast the day before leaving for Denver!  Ugh!  It wasn't because of a broken bone but instead another non-surgical attempt to heal me of plantar fasciitis.  This, of course, cut down considerably on our outdoor adventures but Nicole rolled with it and found other fun things for us to do.  We did lots of good eating, exploring the city, seeing (and attempting to hike up!) the mountains, going to Whole Foods, antiquing, and what we do best- talking!  Here are some pics of our adventures:

Nicole looking posh in her scarf from the antique store.  I got one too but don't have a picture of myself wearing it!

Too bad we didn't actually hike...it was fun anyways though!

Vail!

We worked really hard to find good ice cream, so once we found it we had to get a lot!

Words can't express how thankful I am to Nicole and Marc for welcoming me into their home for a few days.  They were so kind and thoughtful and just so...them!  And I love that!  I can't wait till I can go back again!

The other trip I took by myself was to the Christ Church Women's Retreat at Cohutta Springs.  I decided at the last minute to go and Daniel's parents were kind enough to come down for the weekend to watch Felicity while Daniel worked.  It was really good for me to get some down time to myself and to get to know several women in the church much better than I did before.  Thanks to everyone who made it possible!  Sadly, I didn't take any pictures so I've got nothin!

I'm also glad that Felicity and I got to go with G-Paw and Aunt Kristin to the Rover Rally!  This is something I always look forward to and I loved being able to bring Felicity for the first time since she came in my belly 2 years ago.  Being in a cabin in the mountains is one of the things I love most and I'm so thankful I got to experience that again this year.  You can read Kristin's blog about the post here.

And finally, last but definitely not least in 2011.....

6)  We found out that I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!! 

This calls for lots and lots of exclamation points!  In early October we found that we're expecting our second little one!  We are SO stoked!  This situation has been nothing short of amazing, though I'm not sure if I feel like sharing details for the whole world to see (sorry to leave you wondering, but I'll be sure to post if I change my mind).  Just know that this experience has been probably one of the sweetest, most precious experiences of my life and I am so thankful to be blessed with another baby in my belly.  

I am currently 15 weeks and my due date is July 2.  Compared to many women I know, this pregnancy so far has been a breeze, though it has been more difficult than my first.  I've experienced some discomfort in my gallbladder that I've had to regulate with some diet and lifestyle changes, but again, it could be much worse!  The nausea has been worse than the first pregnancy but considering I've only thrown up once, I'd say I have it pretty good!  Just like I'd been told many times before, being pregnant with the second is very different in that it seems you have less time to think about what's going on- it just happens!  These 3+ months have flown by and it's hard for me to accept the fact that in less than 6 months I'll have 2 children to love on and care for!  If you think of it, please pray for this little one and for me and my family throughout the pregnancy and as we adjust to life as a family of 4.  We'd very much appreciate it! 

So far we only have one picture of this precious baby.  This was taken almost 9 weeks ago so I know that much has changed since then!

Well those are some of my greatest adventures and moments of 2011.  The year did not disappoint!  I am thankful for being so blessed for such great experiences and for wonderful family and friends.  Here's to another great year!

2011 High Points (Part I)

Well hello friends!  It's been what?  A year?  Obviously I am not very committed to blogging, but I do occasionally get the itch.  This most recent itch seems to be brought on by saying goodbye to 2011 and hello to 2012.  I absolutely love New Years.  I love reflecting on the good and bad of the previous year and looking forward expectantly to a new one.  I love that it falls just after Christmas- just after we've been reminded that we are made new and it is never too late for renewing, no matter how much we've messed up in the past.  Oh that is such good news to me.

Well, I'll get onto my post.  I'm going to fill you all in (or just remind myself, seeing as I don't think many people read this!) of the highs from this past year.  In all honesty, it was a tough year, but reflecting on all the wonderful high points we had reminds me of just how many sweet, sweet moments we experienced.  We are indeed a very blessed family.  Here goes!

1)  Our "Little Girl" turned 1!


This is obviously an exciting, proud moment for any parent, but this celebration meant a lot to me for more than just the usual reasons.  The first year was hard for me.  Like really hard.  Many people told me before having Felicity that the first few months are difficult.  Yes, the first few months were really difficult, but so were the 9 others that followed.  I struggled with blues and some serious physical pain (thus creating a lot of grumpiness and anxiety!) for quite some time.  Her birthday seemed to be a turning point for me.  She started walking around the time she turned 1 and that meant she didn't need to be carried anymore.  I love (almost more than anything) to hold and squeeze and carry that girl, but my back needed a break and finally got one when she started walking.  Walking for her also meant that she was discharged from Physical Therapy!  After about 10 months of hard work from her and us on her neck (she had torticollis!), she was finally discharged and has done great ever since!  Thank you, Lord!  I am seriously grateful for every second (even the most difficult ones) I have with this little gift.  Words just can't describe my love for her!

                              Best family shot we got from the big day!

Practicing walking in the back yard! I just can't get enough of that face!

2)  We Bought a House!


After many months of searching, we were so blessed to find that a house I'd been admiring for almost a year had brought down its price multiple times!  It thus became a great deal for us, and it was in the same neighborhood that we'd been living in and had come to love so much.  Daniel works about 1 mile from home and gets to come home to eat, play, and rest with us during most of his lunch breaks!  We love getting to see him in the middle of the day and I especially love when our schedules allow us to all share lunch together.

We love our little home and feel it is perfect for us.  Little and quaint, just like we've always wanted!  I love the big windows, hardwood floors, high ceilings, big back yard, and the little towns and BIG city that are so close.  I love that our house is newer, yet looks like an older home.  We're surrounded by a mix of newer houses and houses that were built almost 100 years ago, and I love being by all those older homes!  Daniel never wanted an old house due to the upkeep, but I always wanted one because they are just so cute and charming!  This house is a perfect compromise!

Kind of a weird picture, but it was hard to find one where our address wasn't shown!

Front porch picture on closing day

3) We celebrated 5 years of marriage!


July 7 of 2011 marked 5 years of marriage for us!  Words can't express just how special this day was to me.  I loved reflecting on what the Lord has gotten us through and the fun times we've had.  Daniel is SO FUN and I am so glad that he is my best friend who's stuck with me through these last several years.  Thank you, Lord, for such a wonderful husband!

On our actual anniversary, we were preparing to leave for a trip to Chattanooga and then the beach, so we didn't really get to celebrate, so we made sure to celebrate at a later date....we had our first trip away from Felicity in October!  This will totally sound like we copped out, but we stayed in a Bed and Breakfast in Atlanta, while she stayed with my parents in Marietta.  It's not how it seems though!  We did want to be somewhat close to her (no more than 2-3 hours away), but we had long talked about having a weekend for further enjoying and exploring our city.  Daniel surprised me with a stay in a B&B in Midtown and it was just perfect.  Such a good time together.

Taking a break from packing to enjoy Centennial Park as a family on our anniversary!  

Walking back to our cute room at the B&B in October.  We didn't stay in the cottage but in the room off the back of the house.  Daniel picked a perfect place for us to stay!

Painting pottery together in the Highlands!

Antico pizza and cannolis in Piedmont Park?  Yes, please!

Bike riding in Piedmont Park!  Loving Atlanta!

4) We got to travel as a family!   I love that Daniel's job allows him a 4-day weekend every month because that allows us to take trips together (and rest occasionally)!  We took several trips this year starting in January- actually the day I came down with a double ear infection on top of a sinus infection and strep yikes!- when we went on a little family retreat in the Blue Ridge Mountains.  We stayed at a cabin for 3 nights and enjoyed a little bit of snow, the hot tub, lots of sleep, exploring and eating in Ellijay, journaling and prayer time, and good conversation. We really did do all of those wonderful things, but most of the time I was just sitting around resting and trying to recover while Daniel cooked some great comfort food and took care of the Little One.  We didn't get many good pictures, but here are a couple:

Daddy and Baby cooking breakfast

Family photo as LG tried to get away!

Hammock time!  Felicity hated the cold... we didn't stay out there for long!

Next up, we got to take 2 beach trips over the summer, and hardly had to pay a thing!  We had a family reunion with my Dad's family in May or June (don't remember!) in Destin, FL. and then in July we went with Daniel's family (plus Millicent!) to um...another beach.  Clearly I did not drive or I'd probably have a better idea of where we were (:  I think it was a little bit outside of Destin???  It was fun to see how Felicity's development over the months in between changed how she enjoyed the beach.  She was still learning to walk alone on the first trip and was much more independent on the second trip.


Family Reunion in Destin:

Checking out the ocean (I love the bright colors- we didn't plan that!)

Kiddos

Napping on G-Paw on the beach (:

And now some pictures from our trip with Daniel's family:

Behind a gas station on the way down there!  We really enjoyed looking at the alligators during snack time!

Being independent after leaving the pool!

This cutie loved digging in the sand!

I just put this up because I totally feel like it looks I am acting like a celebrity trying to hide my face from the paparazzi.  It cracks me up!

As usual, we also enjoyed a few trips to Chattanooga so that we could visit with family and friends.  We didn't take any pictures except when we drove up for the day for Nic and Christine's wedding.  Their wedding was AWESOME and I so wish that we could have stayed at the reception many hours longer that we did.  Since we were all dressed up and we are hardly ever dress up anymore these days, we snapped a few pictures before and after the wedding.

Outside of the reception

Giggles (:

Mommy and Daddy all dressed up and the little one in her jammies (Thanks Aunt Kristin for babysitting!)

And of course we can't forget our annual trip to Mountain Day at Berry!  We have really come to cherish this trip at the beginning of each October.  We love visiting and staying with old friends, exploring the campus, enjoying the outdoors, and of course the Brunswick stew (I so look forward to that every year!).  Here are some pictures from our weekend with Martha:

Taking it all in

At the Old Mill

Well I'm going to have to leave it at that for now, because this post is getting out of control!  I still have a couple more REALLY high points for 2011, so I'll have to find time to get to them soon!