11:18 a.m.
I haven't blogged in a while because I have this idea of what my next post should look like, but it just doesn't seem right to write it now. Maybe I'm not ready...I don't know. So, I keep wanting to write this particular post but not feeling it and having so many uncertainties about what to keep to myself and what to share with others, and so I just don't write it. So, what do I write about? Here's a mostly vague picture of what my life has been like lately:
The other day, someone told me that they'd heard life described as two parallel lines, instead of one line consisting of ups and downs, highs and lows. One of the parallel lines has good things happening on it and the other has bad things happening. The two lines keep going on simultaneously, no matter what. I'm finding that to be true right now. One of our lines consists of sad hearts longing for our baby, frustration toward God and others, huge hospital bills for a procedure we didn't want to need, etc. The other line has heart-to-hearts with good friends, visits to the park with Felicity, new opportunities on the horizon, a reunion with high school friends, etc.
I like extremes. I am an all-or-nothing kind of person. Learning to be happy and sad at the same time is new territory for me. It is an in-between area that I rarely willingly explore. Expressing my feelings is pretty unfamiliar too. Someone asked me how I was doing the other day. She said it like she really wanted to know- like she didn't want me to pretend to be okay. I said that I was "okay", but then I started crying. It felt good to cry. It felt good to know that it was okay to cry. The next morning, another friend sought me out just to give me a hug. I cried then too. I like being open about my feelings. Why haven't I always been like this?
But I also wonder if, after a month or so, I will feel that it's not okay to be honest about my feelings. As if people will expect me to have moved on. I hope I do not feel that pressure to hide my heart and if I do, that I ignore the pressure and continue to express myself. I think I am learning that that's okay with true friends. People who care, really do care- they really do want to know how I'm doing. Isn't that a beautiful thing? It's as if through tragedy, I'm learning what friends are for, being forced into closeness with them, and learning to accept love. People truly love me, and that is just about the hardest concept for me to grasp, yet it is one of the most precious and wonderful things that I have ever experienced.
I can't deny that I need friends and that I need love. I know that I can never repay all of my friends and family (whom I consider my friends) for the kind, thoughtful, loving things that they have done for me over the past 5 1/2 weeks. I do hope that, going forward, I continue to accept love (and to do a better job at it!) and that I love my friends, neighbors, and even strangers as I have witnessed and experienced love lately.
