Meant to Be

I started this blog post about a week ago. Ha! Caring for a newborn has obviously eaten up all my time, but it is more than worth it! So,while Felicity naps, here goes:

This time last year, I was not thinking about having children any time in the near future. Sure, Daniel and I had had the "when do we want to have kids?" conversation several times, but 2010 was never part of the plan. Daniel was leaning toward wanting to try about a year after his graduation (which would be right about now), but I wanted at least 2-3 years of kid-free time post graduation. I wanted to follow that advice that I had heard so many times before: "Wait a long time before having kids! Go live your life before you're tied down to your children!"

However, once I quit my job and had some time to pray about finding my calling, I could not deny the fact that a mother was what I wanted to be. This was obvious to Daniel before it was to me, as I took several pregnancy tests when I stopped taking birth control (for reasons other than wanting to get pregnant) and always ended up feeling disappointed when I saw the negative test results. I always asked him, "Why am I sad that this is negative?! I don't want kids right now!" and he always answered, "I think it's because you actually want to have kids now". As always, it took me longer to admit my true heart's desire. Being honest with yourself is scary, isn't it?

So, once I was finally honest with myself, we tried....and succeeded....very quickly. And I haven't felt so right about something in a long time. Caring for Felicity so far has been exhausting, frustrating, and terrifying. Until last night, I hadn't slept for more than 2 hours at a time in almost 2 weeks. I am already tired of changing diapers and we are already almost out of wipes. Breastfeeding can be messy and discouraging. I am still sore from the delivery. But, I could really care less about all of these things that seem to be working against me. I can't complain, not even for a second. Well, I guess I may have complained a little, but even when things get difficult I am very glad that Felicity is here. Even in the most challenging times, I don't doubt that being a mom is what I should be doing and what I want to be doing right now.

To Conclude: I guess I would say that while I may have missed out on some of those "Live it up!" years, what I never realized (and definitely never would have admitted in college) is that raising Felicity can be more fulfilling than any of the plans I had back then. Turns out, settling down isn't settling at all...

FYI on the Picture: This picture was taken at the hospital after all of our visitors had left for the night. While it isn't the most artistic, it's one of my favorites. Felicity and I had a few uninterrupted minutes between feeding/changing/burping her and before I collapsed in a heap on the bed. I so cherish these quiet moments with Felicity.