A Refuge for Hurting Women

Mother's Day is both a time of celebration and a time of grief in my heart.  It's a day I so cherish and value as it reminds me of the gifts I've been given in my Mom, mother-in-law, grandmothers, spiritual mother (Pamela), and other women who have been a help to me.   It's also a day when I am especially thankful to be able to call myself a mom to the most beautiful little blessing I know, Felicity.  However, it's also a day that quickly reminds me that of my two children, one is not here with us. 

Butterfly outside our house after Joni's Memorial Service

This morning, I was reminded that one week from today will be the one year anniversary of the Memorial Service I had for my daughter, Joni.  I remembered the deep pain I felt last year on Mother's Day as my body still felt as if a part of it was missing.  I thought about the women I've met since losing Joni who have lost children, whose stories are almost unbearable to hear.  The women who lost their children just weeks before their due dates, the women who lost babies before they had the chance to share the good news with others, the women who lost babies just hours after delivering them, the women who have tried for years to conceive only to see a negative pregnancy test each month, the women whose adoptions have fallen through after finally finding a "match". 

Flowers given to me after losing Joni that are now hanging in my house

To say that I've developed a heart for such women would be an understatement.  I am one of those women, and I love and care for those women deeply.  Many months ago, I began to desire to reach out to those women.  I knew I couldn't fix their problems, I knew I couldn't change their situations.  But I also knew that I had come to value not being alone when grieving the loss of a child.  I knew that loss of a child and infertility are incredibly isolating, and something that it seems few people understand.  I knew that talking about the death of a child is unfortunately socially awkward, and can cause others to keep their distance.  So this desire to help those women started taking shape in the form of a support group for women, a refuge if you will.

So, once a month, I show up to facilitate Refuge for women.  We eat dessert, drink tea, and just talk.  Just get it out.  Share all those unpleasant, painful feelings that are hard to share with others who haven't been there.  Just share where we are in our grief, what we've encountered lately that's been hard or encouraging for us.

We just share.

Nothing formal, nothing fancy.  Just hurting women getting together in a casual setting to share our burdens and remind ourselves that we're not alone.  You don't have to commit, you don't have to come on time or stay for the whole meeting.  You don't have to say a word.  We meet at a church, but you are welcome no matter what your beliefs.  Come once, or come monthly for the next several years.  It's just there for those who need it.

So, if you or someone you know is one of those hurting women, know that you/they are not alone.  Your situation is unique, and no one will be able to fully understand you, but know that you are cared for, prayed for, and welcome to come to Refuge when you're ready.

 

Refuge Support Group for Women

2nd Monday of each month

7:30-9:00 p.m.

Christchurch Presbyterian Education Building

60 Peachtree Park Drive

Atlanta, GA 30309

Questions? E-mail me at kirbylynncleland@gmail.com



December.

A brief little nonexhaustive summary of the final month of 2012:



Excitement!  Excitement about excitement!

Design.  Loving design.

Awkward Christmas cards.  Crying about awkward Christmas cards.  Wondering, "How does one with a lost child create an un-awkward Christmas card?"

Assembly line Christmas cards (at home).  Daniel the super-helper.

Wrapping. 

No procrastination, and then wondering, "Why didn't I procrastinate this year?"

Sickness and isolation.  Feeling crazy as a result.  More sickness and isolation.

Firewood.  The song, not the stuff.

Fires...gas...

Cuddles and dates and ice cream and baking with the little one.

Lights. 

Frustratedly sewing and creating a little Russian girl, affectionately named "Doll".

A quick ride on the big and scary Pink Pig!  Daddy saved the day!

Family.  Glad for family.

Shock.  Sadness. 

More wondering. 

Dread.

Darting here and darting there.  Contemplating avoidance.

Hopefulness. 

Sparkly nails (because, though I love sparkles, I wonder how this stay-at-home can justify wearing sparkles anywhere but her nails).

Giving and enjoying giving.  Then, at times, wondering if we gave so much out of guilt?

Tantrums galore!

Princesses abound!

Memories.  Good and bad.

More wondering: "What year is this?  Why does this feel so strange?  Why do I feel like no time has passed?"

Deliberating, discussing, deciding and then un-deciding again and again.

Too much chocolate, and the weight gain that ensued.

Sadness for friends.  Sadness for strangers.  Deep, deep hurt. 

The pig, and the frog, and the opening mailbox, and the waving snowman (Felicity's favorite lights).

Saying "goodbye" to friends.  Sad.  Feeling alone. 

More wondering......"Where do we belong?"

Depth and beauty and movement and stillness:Les Mis (the book).

Small town.  My Man. Cuddles, good food, a little walk in the cold, and pretending I'm at Downton Abbey.  Tears and hugs and soft, melded hearts.  Goodbye year, for better or for worse! 


2012 will be remembered, at least for now, as the best worst year of my life.  Or, maybe I should say that it contained the hardest moment(s) of my life, yet it was full of numerous surprisingly tender and life-giving moments.  I've never known sorrow and pain like I did this year, but I've also never known depths of love and beauty as I have this year.  Saying "goodbye" to this year causes me to ache, but saying "hello" to 2013 brings a welcome feeling of hope.  Cheers, friends!

Book Review: A Twist of Faith

A couple of months ago, I was given the opportunity to review books for an organization called The Speakeasy.  I have never reviewed a book and never thought I would until this opportunity presented itself and seemed like an exciting and welcome opportunity.  I received my first book in the mail about a month ago and got to reading right away.  The book was quite "meaty" and I'm more than a little anxious about publicizing my opinion of the book.  But, the time has come to step outside of my comfort zone so here goes!

[If you are interested, you can read chapter 1 of the book here, and you can see a promo video here.]

If I had to choose one word to describe A Twist of Faith, it would be this: thought-provoking.  I can't say that this book was amazing or mind-blowing, but I can say, without a doubt, that this book gave me information that I think I will literally be mulling over for years.  ATOF covers two "stories" that eventually become one.  First is the true story of a Christian man living in North Carolina who visits Africa on a mission trip and sets out to build an orphanage in Malawi.  It chronicles his hardships in working with the locals, raising and maintaining funds, building relationships in Malawi, and the changing of his expectations and goals.  The second part of the story provides facts, statistics, and opinions about the influx of Americans who have set out to change the lives of impoverished African people, specifically the children.  Sending money to Africa, adopting from their orphanages, and taking mission-type trips there has become increasingly popular, though the aid provided is sometimes harmful to the people.

What I really appreciated about this book is that it seems that the author, John Donnelly, proved himself to be a true journalist in that I never really knew his opinion of the North Carolinian man, David Nixon.  He dug down deep for information, then he plainly presented what he found.  Some of the information was nowhere near being pleasant, but it was reality.  I really appreciated that honesty more than I can say.  As a skeptic by nature, I am always trying to look past the rainbows and butterflies to try to see the truth.  Donnelly did this, and sometimes the truth was not easy to swallow.  He provided unbiased, eye-opening information and I am incredibly grateful for that.

What I did not like about the book is this: it seemed a little incomplete to me.  Maybe this was because Donnelly's opinion was never stated--maybe this is a testament to his objectivity and this was done so I could formulate my opinion of Nixon and other Americans with similar missions.  Whatever the case though, it just kind of left me feeling a little unimpressed and uncertain of what his goal was in writing this book.

However, I can confidently recommend this book to Christians and non-Christians alike.  Why?  Because it gives a picture of reality.  The hearts of Christian missionaries, celebrity donors, African government officials, and others are called into question in this book.  I like that no one in this situation is the "good guy".  I have a huge appreciation for Donnelly in that he chose to wrote this book and chose to do his homework well before doing so.  With that being said, let me know if you want to borrow my copy!

P.S. Want to know my opinion on the subject of aid, foreign missionaries, etc?  I love and agree with this poem by Lao Tzu that was included in the book:

Go to the people
Live with them
Learn from them
Love them
Start with what they know
Build with what they have.

We love, support, and are glad for the missionaries we know and possibly even hope to join some of them one day.  However, I believe strongly that there is a wrong and right way to minister to those of different cultures, and this poem expresses my feelings well.

P.P.S. Of course http://thespeakeasy.info/ did not pay me, bribe me, or anything like that to review this book!  They just gave me the book for free and asked me to provide a "candid review".  So, this is my opinion and not theirs!

Calling all Friends

I've been considering putting something on Facebook lately, but didn't want to be too open, so I figured I'd just turn to my blog to openly ask for prayers.  This coming Monday, July 2 was my due date- the day I thought I'd be delivering Joni and holding her in my arms.  A few weeks ago it really hit me that the due date was quickly approaching and I've been semi-panicking since then.  It's a day I'd rather not have to face, a day that I thought would be so wonderful now seems so....painful?  bittersweet?  wrong?  unfair?

Thankfully, Daniel has taken off work so our family of 3 will be spending the day together.  I don't know what we'll be doing yet but I am glad to know that we can be together as we remember and miss little Joni and all that we were looking forward to doing with her.

I'm asking you to please pray for my family.  Please pray that we would be comforted as we grieve and that we would draw close to the Lord, each other, and our families and friends as we grieve.  Pray that we'd know how to spend our time on the 2nd.  Also, please pray that we'd be able to take a deep breath after the 2nd and hopefully get some more closure from the passing of her due date.  I feel like my life has been put on hold for the past several months and I hope that I feel some relief from that with the passing of July 2.

Also, we are thrown into a busy long weekend after her due date and that is causing us some anxiety too.  Pray that our travels would go well and that, whether we're happy or sad, our time celebrating July 4th, a birthday, and our anniversary would go exceptionally well.  Also, as if facing my due date isn't enough, July 1 is the 5 month anniversary of when I found out Joni wasn't alive, and the 3rd is the anniversary of my surgery.  So it's like we have 3 hard days in a row, followed immediately by celebrations and travel.  Whoa.  That just seems like to much of a roller coaster of emotion for me to handle!  So we obviously need A LOT of prayer, love and support right now and I'm asking you to help me with that.  I am so grateful for our friends and family that have been there for Daniel and I over the past several months.  I keep worrying that people will just grow tired or impatient with me but that has not been the case and we are so thankful to be supported by such kind, thoughtful, sensitive family and friends.