Where I am Now

For weeks I've been trying to decide what to blog about.  I've started several entries only to get about 2 sentences in and realize that I don't know what to write.  I don't know how to explain what I feel and with each entry I attempt, I find myself worrying that my words will come across the wrong way, that I will step on somebody's toes, that friends will get tired of my grieving, etc.  But last night I just decided I was going to write what I felt (within limits) and post it.  Though grieving is tiring and can make me feel like a "Debbie Downer", I still believe that my friends and family are genuinely interested in my thoughts, so here goes:

-I currently weigh 2.5 lbs. more than I did when our baby died, 7.5 lbs. more than when I got pregnant, and 12.5 lbs. more than this time last year.  As I'm sure you can imagine, this is incredibly frustrating.  Especially since I do some serious closet-purging 2-3 times a year so now I am left with mostly too-small clothes and a few I've bought to wear for now.  I have been yo-yo dieting like never before.  My motivation is lacking most of the time.  And, as Daniel said, "This is more than just losing weight.  It's going to be an emotional bit of weight to lose."  Meaning, this isn't just "I ate too much weight" but weight I put on for our baby (well the 5 pounds during the pregnancy).  Having to lose baby weight and having no baby to show for it is just....unfair and.... incredibly difficult.

-Losing Joni (she was a girl and that's her name....more on that later) wasn't just the death of our baby.  It has caused an identity crisis I never expected.  I kept telling Daniel that I just felt like all my direction and purpose had been taken away from me.  One day I was reading  Healing Together by Marcie Lister and Sandra Lovell, and my feelings finally made sense to me.  Here's what I read:

"While it's a very natural thing, pregnancy is still a crisis in a woman's life.  Your body changes in dramatic ways.  Your emotions change.  You adjust a lot.

When your pregnancy didn't end with a healthy baby, the crisis of your pregnancy moved into another crisis-- the crisis of loss.  You have a crisis of pregnancy, a crisis of death, and a crisis of self-image."

Ahhh.  I breathed a sigh of relief when I read that because I knew I wasn't alone.  Several books I've read on grieving the loss of your baby have stated that experiencing the death of your baby is also usually the death of your hopes, dreams, goals, and plans.  I couldn't agree more.  All that we were working towards has now been put into question, and we've been in this big long question for 2.5 months and who knows how much longer.  It is a sad, confusing, discouraging place to be.

-At times, I find it harder to cooperate with others or sacrifice things for others.  I almost feel entitled to get what I want.  Please know that I recognize this is not healthy and that I definitely to not want to stay this way.  I pray that I won't be bitter from my situation but instead that I will grow and love better as a result.  But for now, my heart has a long way to go.

On the other hand though, at times I am quick to give things up because I realize now more than ever that our time on earth is temporary and the earthly things don't matter at all.  I do hope that I keep this mindset and truly value what matters on earth.

-I get stressed easily.  Getting back into being involved in my neighborhood, church, and with friends has been a very slow process and I am definitely still not there yet.  I am okay with this for now.  On a positive note, grieving has helped me to reassess what matters to me (like I said above) and to pick and choose what's important from there.  I do appreciate that I've been able to take a step back from my life and reassess.

-I value friends and family more than ever.  I've always been slow to open up to others, but I have been forced to do so by being put in such a humbling position.  Grief is incredibly humbling.  I call on my Mom or one of my sisters about once every 1 to 2 weeks just to say that I need someone's help or someone's company.  They have not let me down yet.  I have friends who have offered their help and are ready and waiting for when I say I need it.  And for those of you who have offered help but I haven't accepted yet, please don't take it personally.  Like I said, I get easily overwhelmed and as a result I seem to need more "alone time" than usual.

-I recognize that I have a tendency to repress my feelings and I believe that it's led to some health problems in my life.  I'm praying for healing all around and that I'd know how to appropriately deal with my grief.   

I do hope that this wasn't too depressing.  Right now it's just reality for me and I can't change that.  But please know that my life has many many joys right now, like I mentioned here.  I actually have it really good.   I just went to Texas with my hubby (I might even blog about that!) and Felicity was safe and sound and happy when we returned.  Through my grief I've been able to re-discover interests that I hadn't taken time for lately like hiking, reading, museums (JFK and the Holocaust museum in Dallas!), going on walks, journaling, and just slowing down and appreciating my friends and family more.  I am definitely thankful for those opportunities and I do hope to that I carry them with me no matter what stages of life I face in the future.

And for those of you who read this much....thanks!