Texas!

Since becoming a Mommy, I haven't been able to travel with Daniel on his 1-2 business trips he takes each year.  A little over a month ago he booked a trip for Arlington, TX  to do an Ultrasound CE and, as I was feeling the need for a vacation like never before, we decided this would be a good time for me to get away and pamper myself rest a bit.  My in-laws were more than happy to stay at our house for 4 nights and watch Felicity while we were away.  Thanks to them for being so flexible and willing to help!

We left last Wednesday night after we put Felicity to bed.  We made it to and through the airport quickly and were off in no time!

Heading to the airport! I am giddy and Daniel is sleepy (:

We had a wonderful flight and crew on our plane.  Daniel was even moved to the emergency exit seat to accommodate his long legs.  Thank you, Delta!

On Thursday morning, I drove Daniel to his CE in the rental car and then went back to the room and read almost all day.  Literally.  It was so wonderful!  I haven't just sat down and read for that long in years!  I picked Daniel up for lunch and we enjoyed some Mexican food before he went back to class.  I then explored a little bit and headed back to the room for more reading!

That night, we headed to downtown Fort Worth.  We did a little bit of walking and then found a great Italian restaurant and ate veggie pizza outside.  Yum!  We ended the night with a little more walking and some frozen yogurt.

On Friday morning, I once again dropped Daniel off at his class (can you tell who had the better end of the deal here?!).  I then drove to Dallas, which was about 20ish minutes away.  I met Daniel's Aunt Debbie at the JFK museum and we both so enjoyed being there.  We are both fascinated by history and specifically the Kennedy family, so this was pure bliss for us!  I seriously have not ever been so excited about going to a museum; I was quite giddy about it on Thursday night!  After the museum, Debbie very kindly took me out to lunch where I very much enjoyed talking to her, especially since the only time I've been around her was when we met at our wedding.  I can't even say how nice it was to have her to sightsee with.  I so enjoyed her company!  Unfortunately, we didn't get any pictures together ):

Grassy Knoll right next to where JFK was shot

The window that is on the far right and second from the top is the window where Oswald's gun was found with his fingerprints on it.  It's part of the JFK "6th Floor Museum" we were in.  Really creepy but really fascinating....

That afternoon I laid by the pool and did some more reading and then Skyped my Little Girl (yay!) before fetching Daniel from his CE.  We then drove to Dallas and met Daniel's Aunt Debbie and Uncle Jerry.  We loved eating some delicious food with them and walking around Dallas before enjoying some ice cream for dessert.  I really am so glad that I got to know them better and we hope to visit them sometime at their home!

Nighttime in Dallas

On Saturday morning, Daniel planned a fun trip to Fort Worth.  We ate at Lucille's Diner, which was absolutely amazing!  We then found me a pair of Tom's since I am always on the hunt for good shoes for my problematic feet and since taking time to shop for myself is hard to do in my usual routine.  We then headed to the Holocaust Museum in Dallas.  I am so glad that people use their time, money, and energy to make people aware of events such as the Holocaust and to promote standing up to evil.  To say that the museum was depressing would be an understatement, but we are both really glad that we went.  I've really heard or thought little about the Holocaust since college, so I was glad to be reminded of history and that people who stand up to wrongdoers do make a difference.   I highly recommend you visit the Holocaust Museum and the JFK 6th Floor Museum if in Dallas!

Brunch!  And wearing the same shirt as the night before.... whoops!

After the Holocaust Museum, we headed to the airport and had lots of downtime for eating dinner, shopping, people-watching and reading in the airport before our flight.  I love being in airports (:  Our flight back was just as smooth as the first one and Daniel once again got the exit seat!

I am so grateful that I was able to go on this trip with Daniel.  Traveling has been a love of mine for many years, and I really love that we got to explore Dallas and Fort Worth together!

And of course, I loved coming home to this bundle of joy!  This picture was actually taken right before our trip, but I just had to throw it in there!

Pigtails!

Where I am Now

For weeks I've been trying to decide what to blog about.  I've started several entries only to get about 2 sentences in and realize that I don't know what to write.  I don't know how to explain what I feel and with each entry I attempt, I find myself worrying that my words will come across the wrong way, that I will step on somebody's toes, that friends will get tired of my grieving, etc.  But last night I just decided I was going to write what I felt (within limits) and post it.  Though grieving is tiring and can make me feel like a "Debbie Downer", I still believe that my friends and family are genuinely interested in my thoughts, so here goes:

-I currently weigh 2.5 lbs. more than I did when our baby died, 7.5 lbs. more than when I got pregnant, and 12.5 lbs. more than this time last year.  As I'm sure you can imagine, this is incredibly frustrating.  Especially since I do some serious closet-purging 2-3 times a year so now I am left with mostly too-small clothes and a few I've bought to wear for now.  I have been yo-yo dieting like never before.  My motivation is lacking most of the time.  And, as Daniel said, "This is more than just losing weight.  It's going to be an emotional bit of weight to lose."  Meaning, this isn't just "I ate too much weight" but weight I put on for our baby (well the 5 pounds during the pregnancy).  Having to lose baby weight and having no baby to show for it is just....unfair and.... incredibly difficult.

-Losing Joni (she was a girl and that's her name....more on that later) wasn't just the death of our baby.  It has caused an identity crisis I never expected.  I kept telling Daniel that I just felt like all my direction and purpose had been taken away from me.  One day I was reading  Healing Together by Marcie Lister and Sandra Lovell, and my feelings finally made sense to me.  Here's what I read:

"While it's a very natural thing, pregnancy is still a crisis in a woman's life.  Your body changes in dramatic ways.  Your emotions change.  You adjust a lot.

When your pregnancy didn't end with a healthy baby, the crisis of your pregnancy moved into another crisis-- the crisis of loss.  You have a crisis of pregnancy, a crisis of death, and a crisis of self-image."

Ahhh.  I breathed a sigh of relief when I read that because I knew I wasn't alone.  Several books I've read on grieving the loss of your baby have stated that experiencing the death of your baby is also usually the death of your hopes, dreams, goals, and plans.  I couldn't agree more.  All that we were working towards has now been put into question, and we've been in this big long question for 2.5 months and who knows how much longer.  It is a sad, confusing, discouraging place to be.

-At times, I find it harder to cooperate with others or sacrifice things for others.  I almost feel entitled to get what I want.  Please know that I recognize this is not healthy and that I definitely to not want to stay this way.  I pray that I won't be bitter from my situation but instead that I will grow and love better as a result.  But for now, my heart has a long way to go.

On the other hand though, at times I am quick to give things up because I realize now more than ever that our time on earth is temporary and the earthly things don't matter at all.  I do hope that I keep this mindset and truly value what matters on earth.

-I get stressed easily.  Getting back into being involved in my neighborhood, church, and with friends has been a very slow process and I am definitely still not there yet.  I am okay with this for now.  On a positive note, grieving has helped me to reassess what matters to me (like I said above) and to pick and choose what's important from there.  I do appreciate that I've been able to take a step back from my life and reassess.

-I value friends and family more than ever.  I've always been slow to open up to others, but I have been forced to do so by being put in such a humbling position.  Grief is incredibly humbling.  I call on my Mom or one of my sisters about once every 1 to 2 weeks just to say that I need someone's help or someone's company.  They have not let me down yet.  I have friends who have offered their help and are ready and waiting for when I say I need it.  And for those of you who have offered help but I haven't accepted yet, please don't take it personally.  Like I said, I get easily overwhelmed and as a result I seem to need more "alone time" than usual.

-I recognize that I have a tendency to repress my feelings and I believe that it's led to some health problems in my life.  I'm praying for healing all around and that I'd know how to appropriately deal with my grief.   

I do hope that this wasn't too depressing.  Right now it's just reality for me and I can't change that.  But please know that my life has many many joys right now, like I mentioned here.  I actually have it really good.   I just went to Texas with my hubby (I might even blog about that!) and Felicity was safe and sound and happy when we returned.  Through my grief I've been able to re-discover interests that I hadn't taken time for lately like hiking, reading, museums (JFK and the Holocaust museum in Dallas!), going on walks, journaling, and just slowing down and appreciating my friends and family more.  I am definitely thankful for those opportunities and I do hope to that I carry them with me no matter what stages of life I face in the future.

And for those of you who read this much....thanks!