Sad

Tuesday, February 28 10:12 a.m.


I am sad.



Saying so makes me uncomfortable, but it is the truth.

I like to look on the bright side.  To attempt to move on and look optimistically at the future. To think about taking a fun family trip this summer or getting in shape.  To think about buying cute non-maternity clothes once this extra weight is gone.  To think about things I couldn't do during pregnancy that I can do now.  I do have things to look forward to, but I am sad.  And it is okay to just be sad.

I like trying to explain my sadness.  To analyze it and to make sense of it.  To offer reasons.  But sometimes I can't, and that's okay.

I like boasting about my accomplishments and small victories.  Then my pride is inflated and I don't feel so bad when I think about others whose lives seem to be happily moving along right now, especially those whose lives involve babies.  But when the day is done, they have their babies and I don't have mine and I am sad, and I think that's okay.

I like finding temporary distractions.  I've bought 6 bottles of nail polish since my baby died.  I've eaten  lots of chocolate and ice cream.  I like watching movies so that I can pretend to be a part of a different world for a couple of hours.  I listen to my favorite songs from high school and college, because they remind me of a time when my cares were different.  But these things only get me so far, and then I am sad, and that's okay.

I am learning that it's okay to be sad.  And to be honest, I like allowing myself sadness.  Allowing myself to feel, without fixing the problem.  My body aches for the baby it once held, the baby that was a part of me... but I think that's okay right now.  Most of the time I try to turn from the sadness, but I know the distractions only offer temporary solutions and the sadness is still there.    To feel something so deeply in my heart... to just sit it in it, is uncomfortable right now.  But it's also freeing.  When I allow myself to freely feel, I allow myself to just be.  Then, I can heal.  I am allowed to be sad, and I don't have to hide it.  And I think that that, at least for now, is okay.