Calling all Friends

I've been considering putting something on Facebook lately, but didn't want to be too open, so I figured I'd just turn to my blog to openly ask for prayers.  This coming Monday, July 2 was my due date- the day I thought I'd be delivering Joni and holding her in my arms.  A few weeks ago it really hit me that the due date was quickly approaching and I've been semi-panicking since then.  It's a day I'd rather not have to face, a day that I thought would be so wonderful now seems so....painful?  bittersweet?  wrong?  unfair?

Thankfully, Daniel has taken off work so our family of 3 will be spending the day together.  I don't know what we'll be doing yet but I am glad to know that we can be together as we remember and miss little Joni and all that we were looking forward to doing with her.

I'm asking you to please pray for my family.  Please pray that we would be comforted as we grieve and that we would draw close to the Lord, each other, and our families and friends as we grieve.  Pray that we'd know how to spend our time on the 2nd.  Also, please pray that we'd be able to take a deep breath after the 2nd and hopefully get some more closure from the passing of her due date.  I feel like my life has been put on hold for the past several months and I hope that I feel some relief from that with the passing of July 2.

Also, we are thrown into a busy long weekend after her due date and that is causing us some anxiety too.  Pray that our travels would go well and that, whether we're happy or sad, our time celebrating July 4th, a birthday, and our anniversary would go exceptionally well.  Also, as if facing my due date isn't enough, July 1 is the 5 month anniversary of when I found out Joni wasn't alive, and the 3rd is the anniversary of my surgery.  So it's like we have 3 hard days in a row, followed immediately by celebrations and travel.  Whoa.  That just seems like to much of a roller coaster of emotion for me to handle!  So we obviously need A LOT of prayer, love and support right now and I'm asking you to help me with that.  I am so grateful for our friends and family that have been there for Daniel and I over the past several months.  I keep worrying that people will just grow tired or impatient with me but that has not been the case and we are so thankful to be supported by such kind, thoughtful, sensitive family and friends.

Meditations on my Pregnancy

I recently realized that when I think of Joni, I most often think of the events that followed her death, as opposed to actually remembering my experience with her.  My time being pregnant with Joni was very different from what I know of her now.  I do so much processing of and thinking about her death and the dominos of my life that have come crashing down since then, that I rarely ever meditate on and remember my pregnancy. So, though I know my words will fall short, I'm going to attempt to recall my pregnancy with Joni:

Gladness.

Feeling of being "blessed".

Warmth.

Her heart beating at 160+ beats per minute and hearing that beautiful sound just once.

A little baby kick in my lower abdomen against my seat belt.

Itchy skin earlier than the time before.

Surprise!

Doubt.  Disbelief.

Feeling ill-equipped to care for a newborn in just months.

Anxiety.

Overprotection.

Looking down at my belly in the shower-- roundness, fullness, goodness.

Discomfort and uncertainty.

Why do I hurt like this?  What's wrong?

Talking to baby, but not enough.  Feeling detached.

"Felicity, the baby is growing in my belly and will be here this summer.  You will be such a good big sister!"

Hiding the bump...at least until a little bit longer.

I still can't clearly remember my belly, and that is really frustrating to me.  Maybe it's that I can't have it, and that is what is really frustrating.  What was my body like before?  What was it like during the pregnancy?  I don't know.  Nothing is familiar.

Inadequacy.

Discomfort: tugging, pulling, stretching.

Honor.

Privilege.

This is good.  This is right.  This feels natural.