2011 is off to a bumpy start. It's been a strange 2.5 weeks. I began the year sick, and Daniel and Felicity were recovering from being sick. Mimi, my 89 year old grandmother who has pretty impressive health for her age, had a heart attack on the 1st and has been in the hospital, in a nursing home, back to the hospital and once again in the nursing home in the little bit of time that has passed this year. Toward the end of the first week of 2011, I was able to get out again and do some things that I had looked forward to since the dream of being a mom was placed in my heart. This may sound silly, but one of those things was going to the library with Felicity. We finally went to the East Point library, got my library card, and picked out 7 books for Felicity. I loved it and was so looking forward to going to Children's Storytime with her the following Tuesday.
I also had 4.5 hours to myself on the first Thursday of the year, thanks to Daniel! I had such a great time eating lunch and lots of vegan chocolate mousse at Whole Foods and then venturing to the mall and using part of my Anthropologie gift card I got for Christmas. I felt so refreshed and alive at the end of that day, and the end of that week! One of the greatest things for me was that I was able to wear ballet flats and boots while doing these things. If anyone is reading this, they may or may not know that I wear tennis shoes most of the time. I put them on first thing in the morning and usually only wear different shoes to go to church or go out at night or for lunch with a friend. That means I usually only wear other shoes once or twice a week, for a few hours at a time. If I don't wear my tennies, I usually end up with foot, knee, hip and back pain. Now I am really going to sound like a brat, but I AM SO TIRED OF WEARING UGLY SHOES! This seriously wears on my self-esteem. Most mornings I put on cute outfits, just to be ruined by tennis shoes. I've come to learn to be grateful that I do have a way that I can be comfortable (wearing the shoes with my custom orthotics in them), and that occasionally I get to wear other shoes, but most of the time I have to really work at being grateful for that. So anyways, I was saying that I was so incredibly encouraged that my body was feeling great and I could go out in public not looking like a slob. I was feeling so good that it felt like Daniel and I could finally move forward with out lives; i.e. we were talking about when we'd like to have our next child! Pain is one of our main considerations in most big decisions we make, and I am sick of it! But let's just say we were hopeful because of how little pain I had experienced going all over Atlanta in cute shoes, but again that hope has been crushed by the pain returning. Why?!
And then, just a few days later, the snow and ice took over Atlanta. I loved the snow and having Daniel home for Monday and Tuesday of last week. It was beautiful outside and the snow led us to reach out to our neighbors across the street, something we have been meaning to do for a long time. But Daniel returned to work on Wednesday which led me to come close to insanity by the end of that week. In some ways, I felt prepared for being stuck at home. I rarely got out when Felicity was a newborn, and then as she aged my back began having more pain so each time I took her in or out of the carseat caused longterm consequences so I've done more staying in than I would have liked in her little lifetime. So, I felt prepared and okay with being a home for the most part, but in retrospect I see that it really did wear on me. It doesn't help that I was at home and quite sick all the week in between Christmas and New Years...in other words, in a 3 week period I was at home for 2 of those weeks.
Part of what makes this all so discouraging for me is that I had really high hopes for the start of the year. I was so looking forward to getting out and doing more with Felicity- how I've always envisioned motherhood! I was looking forward to storytime at the library, possibly doing mommy/baby water aerobics, having more neighbors and friends over for playdates and dinner, and even setting aside more "me time". But, once again, though I can hardly believe it myself, I am sick again! I know that it could be much worse- I've been reminded of that so many times lately. But, I think it's fair for me to say that I am discouraged, feeling worn down, and frustrated at recent events. It's okay for me to feel those things right?
I know that this is a season. I know it doesn't mean that all of 2011 will be difficult. I have already been blessed in so many ways over the past 2 weeks- a caring husband, we put an offer on a house (no news yet), my grandmother is doing better, Felicity lights up my day again and again and again, I have been able to do a lot of things that I want, I got to see Peak and my parents yesterday, and I can stay at home and rest when I need to. I am very blessed. My prayer is that a)I would soon have a season of happiness in which these difficulties would seem a small price to pay for the joy I experience b) I would have a grateful heart during this time and would grow closer to and more trusting of the Lord c) that one day I would look back on this time and see how these trials benefitted me in the long run d) that I would be able to get back to building my strength through aquatic therapy (or whatever other means work) and visiting Janna Jensen (massage therapist) regularly and that I would have babysitters for those times and e)these experiences would be used for God's glory. Maybe one day I will be able to offer words of encouragement to a new mom who is struggling to get on her feet or someone who has chronic pain with no hope in sight. I look forward to seeing how this all pans out!
Kirby
P.S. I pray too that one day I would be able to wear cute shoes more regularly without physical pain. Sounds silly I know but there is nothing too small for which to pray! (:
